What's new?
I think it is common knowledge that I do not update this blog very often. But when I do I have a few important things on my mind. For those of you that don't know I moved back home in March of 2018 and took a job as a bank teller at Tri County Bank and Trust. I absolutely love it. However moving back home meant leaving my close friends I had made while living in Terre Haute, it also meant leaving my boyfriend at the time, Dan. He was a very special part of my life and I really did love him and his family, it just wasn't meant to be. Moving home and going through a breakup was a lot to juggle. But I got through it okay.
Later in 2018 I was in a play. It was such a great experience and I truly enjoyed it. During that time I became very close with someone who I had known my entire life. I know it sounds crazy but I felt as though God pushed me in the direction to move home because of this person. The more we talked and hung out the more I fell for him. Feelings I had felt for the first time ever. Could this be it? I know it sounds crazy and so soon but I thought this was it. I was finally going to have my happily ever after. We never talked about it and we never were in a relationship but that saying you'll know it when you feel it you'll just know kept showing itself to me in various ways. In the short time we became close I pictured things I never pictured before. Without even knowing it he broke every wall I had built up. I sent him a card on New Years Eve telling him how much I've had and that I was ready for the next step. I was ready to be in a relationship with him.
But it was all a lie. I had the wool pulled over my eyes, God surely didn't bring me home for this. I was nuts and felt like a fool. But worst of all my heart was broke, hell worse than broke it was shattered. Out of nowhere he just stopped talking to me. And then when he finally did talk to me he told me thank you for the card but that he wasn't in a place financially to be in a committed relationship. Wow at this point I'm just speechless. He goes on to tell me what a great person I am, and how he still wants to be my friend, and how great I am with kids and that I'd make a wonderful mother and he doesn't want him more kids. Little did he know, I knew that and was okay with it. Even though it killed me because, hello! Duh I want to be mom, but what I felt for him, nothing else mattered. I wanted to be all in with him. So at this point I leave because I was a mess and frankly didn't want to give him this satisfaction of seeing me cry.
A few weeks went by without conversation because I was still trying to wrap by head around it all, I mean for crying out loud he went to my work Christmas Party. But I finally texted him and I apologized for whatever pain I may have caused him. WHAT?? I told him on Thanksgiving how he had become one of my favorite people and that it was still true. And I wanted to remain friends. I got no response.
10 minutes after i sent that I discovered he was dating someone. So 3 weeks after he told me HE wasn't ready for a relationship he all of a sudden was. I felt so incredibly stupid, especially after sending that message minutes before. Why couldn't he have just been honest with me? Why is that so hard for people? Instead of being honest and truthful you'd rather lie and shut down the ones or have been there for you? It makes no sense. Even now, almost 4 months later I still think about it. What did I do wrong? I ask myself this at least 4 times a week. I'm constantly replaying the last several months in my head trying to pinpoint what went wrong and I can't. I'm just at a loss.
But too much time has passed for me to be honest with him or to give him a piece of my mind.
Not many people know this but when I discovered how true my feelings were toward him I started writing letters to him in a notebook, that was in August I believe. I didn't want to tell him because we've both been through a lot and I wanted to be sure. I wrote him close to 7 pages, but I never gave him them and now he doesn't deserve them. Not even a word of them.
It's crazy how one person can tear down walls you had built up but also be the same person who causes you to build them back up and stronger than before.
My 30th birthday is on June 3rd so for the time being I'm going to focus on me and make my 30th year the best one yet. It's time to get healthy and take my mental health seriously. I've let this hiccup control my life for far to long. It clearly wasn't meant to be and obviously we weren't meant to be friends so I need to quit trying.
Later in 2018 I was in a play. It was such a great experience and I truly enjoyed it. During that time I became very close with someone who I had known my entire life. I know it sounds crazy but I felt as though God pushed me in the direction to move home because of this person. The more we talked and hung out the more I fell for him. Feelings I had felt for the first time ever. Could this be it? I know it sounds crazy and so soon but I thought this was it. I was finally going to have my happily ever after. We never talked about it and we never were in a relationship but that saying you'll know it when you feel it you'll just know kept showing itself to me in various ways. In the short time we became close I pictured things I never pictured before. Without even knowing it he broke every wall I had built up. I sent him a card on New Years Eve telling him how much I've had and that I was ready for the next step. I was ready to be in a relationship with him.
But it was all a lie. I had the wool pulled over my eyes, God surely didn't bring me home for this. I was nuts and felt like a fool. But worst of all my heart was broke, hell worse than broke it was shattered. Out of nowhere he just stopped talking to me. And then when he finally did talk to me he told me thank you for the card but that he wasn't in a place financially to be in a committed relationship. Wow at this point I'm just speechless. He goes on to tell me what a great person I am, and how he still wants to be my friend, and how great I am with kids and that I'd make a wonderful mother and he doesn't want him more kids. Little did he know, I knew that and was okay with it. Even though it killed me because, hello! Duh I want to be mom, but what I felt for him, nothing else mattered. I wanted to be all in with him. So at this point I leave because I was a mess and frankly didn't want to give him this satisfaction of seeing me cry.
A few weeks went by without conversation because I was still trying to wrap by head around it all, I mean for crying out loud he went to my work Christmas Party. But I finally texted him and I apologized for whatever pain I may have caused him. WHAT?? I told him on Thanksgiving how he had become one of my favorite people and that it was still true. And I wanted to remain friends. I got no response.
10 minutes after i sent that I discovered he was dating someone. So 3 weeks after he told me HE wasn't ready for a relationship he all of a sudden was. I felt so incredibly stupid, especially after sending that message minutes before. Why couldn't he have just been honest with me? Why is that so hard for people? Instead of being honest and truthful you'd rather lie and shut down the ones or have been there for you? It makes no sense. Even now, almost 4 months later I still think about it. What did I do wrong? I ask myself this at least 4 times a week. I'm constantly replaying the last several months in my head trying to pinpoint what went wrong and I can't. I'm just at a loss.
But too much time has passed for me to be honest with him or to give him a piece of my mind.
Not many people know this but when I discovered how true my feelings were toward him I started writing letters to him in a notebook, that was in August I believe. I didn't want to tell him because we've both been through a lot and I wanted to be sure. I wrote him close to 7 pages, but I never gave him them and now he doesn't deserve them. Not even a word of them.
It's crazy how one person can tear down walls you had built up but also be the same person who causes you to build them back up and stronger than before.
My 30th birthday is on June 3rd so for the time being I'm going to focus on me and make my 30th year the best one yet. It's time to get healthy and take my mental health seriously. I've let this hiccup control my life for far to long. It clearly wasn't meant to be and obviously we weren't meant to be friends so I need to quit trying.
Comments
Post a Comment